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How people pleasing is related to the unmet inner child needs


The needs of our inner child are the same needs we seek but we haven’t allowed ourselves to become fully aware of, feel, or been able to find a way to sufficiently meet them. So quite often, we instead try to silence these deeper longings with distractions such as smoking, alcohol, overeating, overspending, work-a-holism.

The unmet needs of our Inner Child is the birth of both our early wounding and the most profound healing!


People-pleasing was born out of my inner child's unmet needs

I had parents that struggled to be emotionally connected and available to me in a consistent way. My child self did all she could to earn her parent’s love. Due to my mother's and stepfather's preoccupation, in my little world, they would blow hot and cold unable to secure, and maintain love and connection. One moment affectionate and loving, and in the next distant, absent, or worried. Pretty confusing for any child to experience.

To help me navigate this, I became less interested in exploring who I was and more interested in learning about what others wanted me to be and viola, the people pleaser part of me was born! A part that would give me a sense of control and help me feel safe in an environment where I lacked security in relationships.

Experiencing the feeling of rejection as a child, left me feeling unlovable and in turn, I rejected myself and my needs.

I became deaf to myself.

That became more evident throughout my adulthood as I had very little concept about who I was or what I wanted as a person. I just had a deep sense of feeling lost, purposeless, even empty.

Keeping myself busy being a chameleon meant I wasn’t loved and affirmed for the truth of who I really was. Subsequently, I experienced profound loneliness. Along with people-pleasing and other forms of distractions I picked up along the way (due to a lack of self-esteem), it simply for me was a disappearing act, along with my story.

If you are a people pleaser, believe me, I have only just skimmed the surface, there is so much more and it comes with high costs, such as a poor self-esteem, conflict avoidance, perfectionism, lack of boundaries, unable to relax, etc. all of which can inevitably lead to one or more of deep resentment, exhaustion, intimacy anxiety, regrets, loss of freedom and victimization.

Your inner child has a story, a story which is stored as memories and how they impacted you. It, therefore, makes sense that it’s there you need to return. To revisit and heal the experiences that your child self encountered.

As an adult, you are able to listen to your untold story whilst also holding compassion for yourself. Compassion in how your untold story has unfolded into the drama you have been re-creating and repeating during your adult life.

The inner child (like most children) yearns for attention, understanding, love, and support and until you meet their unmet needs. Whilst the inner child needs are unmet, they will continue to get triggered. This impacts the way we as adults behave; in undesirable and quite often childish ways. Which leaves us feeling on some level disconnected, lonely and empty.


My inner child yearned to be seen, heard, accepted and loved for who she is. Magic happened once I decided to courageously shine a light on the darkness within. Together we are now re-writing a beautiful loving and compassionate new narrative. One which is healing.

Does this resonate with you on some level, I’d love to hear from you and support you in your journey of loving all of who you truly are.